Saturday, July 2, 2011

How Arguments Can Be Solved


This is the sequel from the previous post.

On the surface, a man may seem to be arguing about the issue but the real reason is he does not feel loved.

A basic argument pattern:

A woman expresses her upset feelings about ‘XYZ’

A man explains why she should not be upset about ‘XYZ’

She feels invalidated and becomes more upset. She is now more upset about being invalidated than about ‘XYZ’

He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an apology before making up.

She apologises and wonders what had happened, or she becomes more upset and the argument escalates into a battle.

A man should practise not to blame her for being upset. Instead, he should seek to understand how he had upset her and show her that he cares. Even if she was misunderstanding him, if she felt hurt by him, he needed to let her know that he cares and is sorry.

When she would become upset, the man learned first to listen, then to try to understand what she was upset about and then to say “I’m sorry that I upset you when I said –”

However, apologizing can be very difficult sometimes.

Men rarely say “I’m sorry” because for them, it means you have done something wrong and you are apologising.

On the other hand, women say “I’m sorry” as a way to say “I care about what you are feeling”. It does not mean they are apologizing for doing something wrong.

To avoid pain, it is important to recognise how men unknowingly invalidate and how women unknowingly send messages of disapproval.

Arguments and quarrels can be avoided if we can understand what our partner needs and remember to give it.

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