Showing posts with label Emo-ing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emo-ing. Show all posts

Friday, July 18, 2014

The Short Story

She had been through a lot. And she thought she knows how to make a wise decision. Unfortunately, she was wrong.

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There was this man and this woman. They both met under an unexpected situation. They ended up being close friends. One thing led to another. A lot of things had happened between them and they made it through together, thick and thin. However, there was one problem. The man did not know if he wanted to bring the friendship to another level whereas the woman was willing to take the chance. She was just waiting for him. Since the man was indecisive, he left the woman hanging.

Waiting is painful. Letting go is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering. And that was what happened to her.

She did not know what to do. Should she wait or let go? She was lost. She was going insane. This dragged on for many months. She was pushed away many times but did not falter and willing to give chances.

Until the woman finally exploded!

If God did not give you what you wanted, it is not because you are not worth it. It is because you deserve even better. A lot of suffering came from going after those that do not belong to us.

Since he does not belong to her, why would she allow him to keep hurting her?

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There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist or to accept the responsibility for changing them. She decided to accept the latter choice.

She made the decision to put whatever there was between them to a stop. Yes, she made the first move. They both made it clear that they will remain friends. Of course it was not easy for her.

However, she knew that once she knew which is the right path, how long it takes to get there does not quite matter. We are tougher than we think. One day, when you look back, you will realise that you have walked a path you have never thought you would.

As the time passed, she was doing really well. She was able to move on even though she constantly met him and they constantly went out together. She was able to do it because she took control of her heart and mind instead of vice versa. “We are just friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.” kept ringing inside her head.

It went on for another few more months until another man showed up.

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Knowing he will lose the attention that was once his, he decided to get it back. It did not turn up well because the woman had already moved on while the man regretted the chance he did not take, relationship he was afraid to have and the decisions he waited too long to make.

One ugly event led to another.

Remembering  all the little things they had gone through together, the woman took the chance to salvage the friendship. However, the sad thing about betrayal is that it never comes from an enemy. She received the blame, hurtful words and insults in return for her kindness.

That’s it! The woman had enough from dealing with senseless matters.

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There are two reasons why people want to change; either they have learned too much or they have suffered enough. Which was her reason? Freaking both!

She understood that everything she is going through is either a present or a lesson. In this case, it was the lesson she had learned. We fall so, we can learn how to pick ourselves up. She is going to surround herself with people who know her worth. She does not need too many people in her life. Just a few real ones who appreciate.

Appreciate those who appreciate you.  Help those who need you. Let go of selfish scumbags.

Monday, March 10, 2014

An Open But Forever Unread Letter

Hello there, long lost best friend.

It has been a long time and I am sure you are aware of that too. I would like to say that it was your decision alone to keep each other out of our lives but, we both know that it was for the best. Else we would just continue to be hurt.

It is not my heart that I am worried about, but yours. Breaking my own heart would be my own choice and whatever consequences shall be born by myself but, I cannot once again and again and again be responsible for breaking yours.

It is really difficult to imagine that we were once strangers then friends then close friends then inseparable best friends and then finally, back to strangers again. We both knew each other inside out. We were there for each other during the best of times and through the most difficult of times. You never failed to give me your wise words and I never failed to support your every decision made.

I will certainly not forget you because forgetting you would be like forgetting myself which is impossible. However, maybe you are right. We are better off as far apart as possible.

I remember you once wished me the best in my life and that was how we cut our ties. I realised I had never wished you before.

Saw you jumped into another relationship which, fortunately, is the last relationship you will ever have. Happily married with a beautiful wife and now a blessed father with an adorable child. So all I can do is wish you the best – a great, bright and loving future. 

I am happy you found a friend as great as me, but a much better partner. One who does not drag you through the mud. I wish you all the best and although you will never read this, although we will never speak to each other again, and although you are out of my life forever, I wish you nothing short of happiness.  

Your long lost best friend.

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Monday, February 24, 2014

Time

Time does not wait for us.

Therefore, we shall not waste our time to chase over things that do not belong to us in the first place.

My problem now is I do not even know what I am waiting neither do I know what I am chasing after.

Does time really will tell me eventually?

Hopefully..

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Saturday, December 28, 2013

Christmas Bomb!

This year’s Christmas was truly entertaining.

I had an amazing and lovely Christmas Eve. Booked a suite all to myself and enjoyed spa. I must be out of my mind but hey, I loved it!

Later, I had a crazy and out-of-control Christmas Countdown. It was a last minute plan.

Then, I attended a wedding luncheon on Christmas Day itself and had a little fun for the rest of the day until...

...I received that piece of news.

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It is okay.

The shock is now over.

And everything seems so clear to me now.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Two Years..

So it has already been two years.

Two years ago, if you had asked me if I ever had the slightest thought that I would end up like now, I would say no.

Two years ago, if you had asked me to reconsider my decision, I would say no.

Two years ago..

It is neither short nor long but a lot of things come by unexpectedly.

I was damaged emotionally, mentally and physically but, I am proud that I am still standing strong and tall.

Even if I could go back in time, I would still make the same decision.

Why?

It does hurt.

Hurt a lot.

Like a big hole in my heart that I thought I would die.

However, I am stronger now. I am tougher now. I am wiser now, well, a bit since I am still stubborn when it comes to relationship.

I feel I could face anything!

I believe those who had been by my side all these while, they had seen the happiness that I had when I first moved here and then, I fell real hard. Blimey, I did a lot of stupid things which disrespect myself.

“I can never ever move on” “I cannot make it” “This is hard”

Those were all the thoughts I had back then.

And also, because of this, I managed to know who truly care about me and never leave me.

Trust me, someone who said “I will always be by your side” or “I will never leave you” are not always the ones that will stay.

When I looked back, I realised that nothing can bring me down now.

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Monday, July 29, 2013

Thankful

Those years I spent on you were gone to waste when I realised how much you do not know me.

I am thankful you chose to leave me.

I am thankful you did not accept me back.

I am thankful. Really.

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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Storm

Once the storm is over, I will not remember how I made it through, how I managed to survive. I will not even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over.

But one thing is certain.

When I come out of the storm, I will not be the same person who walked in.

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Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Splitting Roads

A lady was walking on this road when a truck slowed down to follow her pace. The truck driver looked at the lady and fell instantly in love with her smile.

He invited her to hop on the truck and he will bring her to wherever she wants. She did not accept the offer. However, he did not give up. He continued to drive his truck at her walking pace.

He noticed her wearing high heels and asked her about it. She explained so she could see further. He then offered her a pair of running shoes and said that though one could see further with a pair of high heels, in return, her legs will sore. Why not wearing a pair of comfortable running shoes and enjoy the journey?

After thinking through, she took the shoes from him, thanked him and continued walking.

As the time passed, the man saw the lady getting tired and trying to catch her breath. He could no longer see her this way and tried to convince her, promised that he will drive her to wherever she wants. After much trials, she started to believe him and hopped onto his truck. He helped her to take her baggage onto the truck.

They traveled miles and miles together. The journey was happy and wonderful. They laughed together. Cried together. Whatever obstacles they encountered, they faced it together, solved together. 

After traveling together for a few years, the man suddenly said that he is tired of her and wanted to stop and go elsewhere with another woman. He dropped her at the roadside in the middle of nowhere and drove off. Without looking back.

The lady, not knowing where she is could only stood there, feeling helpless and hurt. She does not know anyone, not familiar with the local language. However, she has to find a shelter to rest for a while before continuing her supposedly own journey..

And you know what?

I am the lady and he is the man.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

How Are You?

Have not heard him asking her this simple question ever since she left the place they used to call home together.

How could a man who brought a woman to an unfamiliar land in the first place to stay with him, not wanting to find out how she is doing after he asked her to move out? They had been staying together for almost two years, for goodness sake!

How could a man who brought a woman to an unfamiliar land in the first place to stay with him, can still sleep in peace every night, not feeling guilty at all?

How could a man who brought a woman to an unfamiliar land in the first place to stay with him, can still face each and every one of the people that they have known together?

And lastly, how could a man who had kicked her out from the place they used to call home together, wanting to get back the things he bought regardless for her or for both of them? He does not know the word ‘gentleman’ at all? C’mon! She came to this place for you, sacrificed everything she had and now that you wanted her to leave, just let her take everything, for goodness sake!

God, please bless this woman.

She is deeply hurt and is still struggling to get up. However, we believe You know what You are doing and had already prepared a beautiful ending for her. Still, please look out for her. She has no one to lean on. Not even her close buddies who are in Kuala Lumpur as well as her loving family members who are in Sarawak.

Thank you.

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Monday, May 6, 2013

Home Is Where The Heart Is

I have never felt this way before – homeless.

Physically I have a roof on top of me and a bed to sleep in. I do stay in a house. However, my heart feels empty. As a saying goes, home is where the heart is.

Imagine to have come all the way to a land that is a stranger to you – not knowing anyone, not knowing anything – just for one thing, love. Fear was drowning you but just for ‘love’, you managed to swim with it. You were reassured and reassured again and again that everything will be alright by your so-called ‘love’ until one day, you were pulled down deep into the seabed!

Dumped. Thrown.

Yes, this is another emo post from mine but please bear with me. Another week has gone by and I need a break to feel weak. Of course I will get back strong again tomorrow onwards.

In fact, loneliness is eating me up.

I do have friends around me but there is still a feeling of discontentment inside of me. I feel really lonely at times especially after I moved to this new lair of mine. Of course there is an upside of it but mostly it is just a downside point of view.

Family? I am the furthest away from home, you see. And I have been away from home for more than eight years. With the situation I am in, I cannot face them at all but I was wrong. They still accept me, even after knowing what I am going through now.

Friends? They are the bunch of people who criticise but at the same time support me all these years. I made new friends and maintain the old ones. I do have friends here but not much on Mainland – most of them are on the Island. Therefore, I am here, alone, most of the time, sitting in this restaurant, with strangers that consisted of waiters, waitresses and customers around me, till late night.

However, sometimes my return to home from work or late night was waited outside the gate. I made friend with a stray dog outside my place. It really feels good to have someone, even a dog, to welcome you home. It hugs me sometimes too, asking for food *chuckles*

Sigh. I wanna go home..

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Saturday, May 4, 2013

Our Limit

We always wonder what and where is our own limit. Or do we even have it?

Are we underestimating ourselves too much or are we overestimating ourselves?

Personally, I do wonder where is my own limit. In my very own experience, I did not know that I could do it until I was put into such a situation. Probably I just have to do it because there is no other choice.

It becomes a must.

I am now going through the lowest moment of my life. Probably for the time being. I could have been through the same in the past but time had healed my wounds and therefore, I could not remember them at all.

So, I believe it will be the same for now. I just have to not only accept it but also to face it and then move forward.

Just like what I had learned when I went to ESCAPE..

Taking the first step is always the hardest but once you managed to do it, the rest of the journey ain't that difficult. However, you must not stop and turn back because you can only move forward and not backward. Of course, if you are tired, you can take a rest for a while but continue to move forward after..

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Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The New Chapter ♥

It has been so long since I last updated my blog. The last post was way back in January, oh my! I must get my ass down to not be so lazy to update my blog. Will try to work it out, somehow.

A lot had happened recently and it is way worse than anyone could imagine. Remember I moved to Penang way back in the middle of year two oh one one over here? Well, it did not go well as I hoped.

Yeah, I am back to being single again. Yay?

It was not that bad.

Well, it was really bad in the first place but I got a hang of it after urm a few months later. Things were rough and it was really difficult for me especially without having my family and best friends by my side. However, everyone strongly believe that I can work it out and move on somehow.

It is really easier said than done and I am still working on it. Like now.

I am a person who does not fall in love easily, okay that is a lie - I do fall in love easily but, only towards the people I have feelings for. And then, it is not easy for me to fall out of it. Plus, the feelings of being betrayed really hit me hard in the face. Also, to have witnessed how selfish and mean a man can be, especially who had loved you so much in the past, really had my eyes popped out from its sockets.

After many weeks being hurt emotionally and mentally, I had finally decided to move out of the place that was called ‘our home.’

I did not know I can still do well by myself. I mean I had lived alone before but after moving in and staying with a man for almost two years, I thought it would be quite difficult for me but I was wrong.

I am glad that I got myself out from there before the damage gets bigger.

And for now, I am looking forward to new wonderful things that are going to happen in my life. A friend who had been through the same once told me this..

现在你跟他只有一种可能;
离开他,你的人生有一万种可能

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Friday, March 30, 2012

Trust

Trust is like a glass..

“It took a long period of time to be made but it only take one second to destroy it.”

Spey-GlassMy heart was deeply broken again by the same man. Not too sure if giving him a chance is the right decision.

However, it is definitely the last chance he will ever get from me if he ever repeated the same mistake again.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Relationship

It has always been hurting. No idea where the problems are. If I am still the only one who is trying to work this out, I don't think I can hold this any longer. I will give up real soon. This is really the first time I've been feeling so lonely even though I'm in a relationship.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Bewildered

Looking back at older posts does get me thinking if I am currently doing any better or worse.

Am I still hiding somewhere in a corner? Or am I still finding my way out? Or probably, I am already out of the cell but not wanting to face it?

There are things that I had never done and I did it. There are things that I had never said and I said it.

I am scared of who I am becoming – like I do not know who I am anymore. Not knowing what I like and what I do not.

I am scared of what I am getting myself into – like I do not know which direction I am heading to. Not knowing what makes me happy and what does not.

I think I just need to hang in there and put myself out of this unnecessary misery.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

累

life-purpose

走着 走着

拼命的走着

没有什么能阻止我 什么都做得到

没有什么难得了我 什么都做得好

对自己的要求很高 做什么都要最棒

也很在乎别人对我的看法和想法 做什么都希望大家开心 而忽略了自己的感受

觉得自己很坚强 很独立 不管自己有多么的不开心 伤心难过 都会一直保持大家喜爱的微笑

想让他们知道 不管发生什么事 乐观的我是不会消失的

不管是 家人 朋友 或是 同事

我都要保持最好的我 最棒的我

但 我真的好累了

想好好的休息

也许简单的收拾自己行李去流浪会有所帮助吧。。

Monday, September 13, 2010

It’s Good to be Home

I do not deny the fact that I still miss the time I had in Shanghai. It was crazy. It was awesome.

However, have I shared with you the shits that happened during my last few weeks in Shanghai? I guess not but, here it is!

When I first learnt that I had to leave the place earlier than planned, I was both devastated and panicked. Imagine I found out, in one day, I had to leave the place within a week.

It was a horrible experience.

I had to go to Exit-Entry Bureau back and forth for three days straight! Also, I had to change my flight ticket and settled all the contracts I had in one day! And also, I had to end my internship two months earlier!

All these happened because of World Expo 2010.

Due to massive number of foreigners coming into Shanghai, the Chinese restricted their Visa and guess what? There were millions of people and they found me! I was called upon to the police station. A short interrogation. My Chinese isn’t that good so, I brought my Taiwanese colleague with me.

We both knew what to say and what not but still, once you were caught, you are screwed.

Things gotten serious when we were fined and that we have to apply a working visa in order to continue to stay and work in China else you would be escorted back to your home country. Since my internship contract left only two months, the company was not willing to spend money and effort to work on a working visa for me. They even asked me to use tourist visa to work! Could you believe that? You were caught once and now, you want to do it again?

Hell, no!

After thinking for quite some time, I decided to go back Malaysia for good. I was surprised to come into such decision because I was actually looking for a permanent job to stay longer in Shanghai. But I chose not it. I am glad that I chose to come back but we will come to this later.

So, I decided to talk about this matter to my supervisor but due to his not-wanting-to-face-confrontation trait, guess what? Instead talking about it in person with me, he texted me that I could end my internship earlier!

What the fuck was that? It’s like you were breaking up with your girlfriend through a SMS!

It was ridiculous but surprisingly I was calm and managed to solved most of the problems myself and then, told my family members about it after. They were horrified on what I had been through. Also, what they didn’t know was that I scheduled my flight back home earlier. They knew I were supposed to come back at the end of June but guess what? I came back about three weeks earlier than scheduled and I told NO ONE in my family about it. Only my friends in KL knew I was coming home and I had to stayed at my friend’s in that time.

I have no idea why I did that even if you ask me now.

However, I regretted not telling them as the flight back home was not stable. If I died in a crash, no one would know and now, that’s awful.

So, after all those shits happened, I’m glad to be home alas.

Grief

Grief may be the strongest thing a person could feel.

However, forgiveness is deemed to be stronger because a single act of forgiveness can change everything.

In my case, grief is the only thing that I can feel as there is nothing I could do to ask for forgiveness for what I had done today, three years ago.

It was the cruelest decision I had ever made and therefore, I will never forget you.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Silly Me

During that period of time, I guess I worked too much in a virtual world that I did not know how to return to the real world. Silly me, I was being a fool and believed the impossible. I thought miracle would happen but no, it only happens in the virtual world. No matter how and what I did, there ain’t miracle.

Consequently, I had always had this depressing aura released that my close friends started to feel awkward around me. I was very well aware of that that I started to avoid them: I did not hang around much them like I used to.

It was until that night when I could not take it longer. That was harsh. Each and every word pierced through my heart. No doubt, that text was a good closure. It was harsh but, at the same time, good.

I cried every night to sleep since that incident and as far as I believe, that night was the last night I cried to sleep.

Fortunately, I did not have to go to work the next day as it was still a holiday. For the whole day, I spent time with myself and tried so hard to focus only me, myself and I: What do I want? What I do not want? What do I like? What do I dislike? What makes me smile? What makes me cry? What will make me happy? And what will make me unhappy?

I literally forgot who I am.

Forgot Angelina.

I forgot me.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Nervous Breakdown

It happened two months ago when I had a serious nervous breakdown. I didn’t have the will to neither live nor die. You must be thinking that I am exaggerating here but trust me, it is the truth! That month was the worst month ever in my life.

It was a good conversation and such which cost me a fortune for my silly mistake but it was all worth it. However, I wasn’t being smart enough to just get a new number at that time. Silly me.

Anyway, it was then when I re-read the mail and I was crushed when I realised I didn’t get the meaning right. I was being a fool for the past few months. Consequently, I had a serious nervous breakdown that I requested for two working days’ leave to rest.

I even had a litre of ice-cream during one of the nights.

To amuse myself, I decided to have a little bit of fun with my all-time buddy, Hon, to fool our mutual friends that we were together.

Never would I realise that was the biggest and stupidest mistake I had ever done. Now, I could not turn back the time to fix it nor could I amend it. I did try to fix it but I was too late. I made things worse when I was trying hard to amend what I had destroyed about a year ago.

Now, I wouldn’t dare to do anything other than watching from afar. I am very limited to knowing how he’s doing and such. I don’t know what kind of pathway I am choosing right now but I know I had made the silliest decision back then...

If only...