Overcoming A Breakup!

Lately, either I met ladies who are heart broken or they came to me by their own will. I am neither a love guru nor mending-up-broken-hearts expert.

It is because of one simple reason – I had been there. Therefore, I understand very well on what they are going through and the pain they have to endure.

If you had been following my blog closely, you should know - I was depressed, hurt and torn apart. It was neither my first nor true love but no matter how you look at it, getting over the pain never seems to get easier.

However, if you had always been by my side, you could have seen very clearly on how this cheerful and happy dopey young lady became really depressed and weak but managed to get back up up until today. You are the ones who had seen the most of me compared to other people and I am pretty sure you are proud to see I made it through the storm.

Why am I here? I just thought I should share with you on how I managed to get over my breakup. Disclaimer: Below are just my personal experiences so, I am not holding any responsibility with whatever you are doing next.

First of all, ladies, always remember that it is not wrong for you to be emotional. Let it all out! That includes cry, yell and scream. Just do whatever it takes to let it all out. Partying, drinking and finding some new guys will not help. The blow will return unless you take the time to let it out. Do not rush yourself to move on as well. Take your time. Just do not try to get back with him which leads to my next point.

The attempts of getting him back will not only hurt you but will make him lose his respect to you completely. Remember that if a man can move on easily and doing really well after the breakup, it can only means that he had been thinking to break off the relationship for a period of time! Therefore, do not waste your time trying to patch things up with him. I know it is not going to be easy. I had been there, alright? However, it hurts you even more so, why do you want to do that?

It then leads to my third point – block him out of your life! Stop contacting him or texting him. Do whatever it takes to make yourself not able to keep in touch with him – block him in Facebook, delete all the pictures of him and even delete his number! Okay, I know deleting number is useless because you probably remember his number but what the hell? So long you still see him in your contact list, you will never stopped contacting him at all! Another way is to focus your mind on other things which leads to the next point.

Spend time with your friends, exercise, get more involved into your work or probably some volunteer works. In my case, I spent time with my friends (and we are really close compared to before) and also I got more involved into my work. Some people keep him off their minds by socialising and making new friends. For me, I was not able to do it because I do not want to send out negative signals to newly made friends. I waited until I was fully recovered and ready only, I started to socialise and make new friends – I recently joined Toastmasters Club.

Nevertheless, we are still human. The thought of him will immediately haunt you inside your head and you will start to think about what it happened, how it could have been different and what you could have done in order for things to take a different course. Try to think about it. We are unable to go back in time and change anything. There is no portal or machine for us to go back and change the history. You will just be torturing yourself for no reason so, stop dwelling and move forward. I know it is not easy because I had been there. Since I made it through, why can’t you? It will definitely take time which leads us to the next and final point.

Time really heals everything. Trust me, it does. Do not ever rush yourself. Heal your wounds in a comfortable pace but do not ever try to look back. Taking the first step is always the hardest but once you managed to do it, the rest of the journey ain't that difficult. However, you must not stop and turn back because you can only move forward and not backward. Of course, if you are tired, you can take a rest for a while but continue to move forward after.

It was never easy for me as well but it does not mean that you will not be able to make it. You are not the only one. I had been there and managed to make it through the storm. I was able to do it and thus, it is important to understand that soon, you will, too!

Chapter 3 (Part III): How Men and Women Found Peace

Men and Women will only be able to live together in peace if they are able to respect their differences.

Men learned to respect that Women needed to talk to feel better even if they do not have much to say because by listening, they could be very supportive.

Men realised that even when they felt they were being attacked, blamed or criticised by the Women, they knew it was only temporary. Soon the Women would suddenly feel better and be very appreciative and accepting.

Each Man finally understood that a Woman’s need to talk about her problems was not because he was failing her in some way. He learned that once a Woman feels heard, she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive.

With such awareness, a Man will be able to listen without feeling responsible for solving all her problems. Also, as a man gets good at listening, he realises that listening can be an excellent way to forget the problems of his day as well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner.

Women learned to respect that Men needed to withdraw to cope with stress. The cave is no longer a great mystery or cause for alarm.

They learned to be more accepting of him at these times because he was experiencing a lot of stress.

They are not offended when Men are easily distracted. When a Woman talked and her Man became distracted, she would very politely stop talking, stand there and wait for him to notice. Then she would begin talking again. She understood that sometimes it was hard for him to give his full attention. They discovered that by asking for the Men’s attention in a relaxed and accepting manner, Men are happy to redirect their attention.

However, when Men were completely preoccupied and in their caves, Women also will not take it personally. They know that it is not the time to have intimate conversations but a time to talk about problems with their own friends or have fun and go shopping. When Men thereby felt loved and accepted, Women will discover that Men would come out of their caves quicker.

To know how men cope with stress, check out the post here.

To know how women cope with stress, check out the post here.

 

Extracted from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Chapter 3 (Part II): How Do Women Cope With Stress?

They talk!

A woman feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with her feelings. However, she is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.

Unfortunately, when women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realise that she is talking to feel better. A man does not know that she will appreciate it if he just listens. This is because, men talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice.

If a woman is really upset, a man assumes she is blaming him and he begins to defend himself. He thinks if he explains himself, she will stop blaming him. The more he defends himself, the more upset she becomes. He does not realise that explanations are not what she needs. She needs him to understand her feelings and let her move on to talk about more problems.

If a woman seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice. However, when he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. After offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. When she does not feel better, he feels his solutions have been rejected and he feels unappreciated.

Men also become impatient when woman talk about problems in great detail. He mistakenly assumes that when she talks in great detail, that all the details are necessary for him to find a solution to her problem. Again, he does not realise that she is looking not for a solution from him but for his caring and understanding.

Also, listening is difficult for a man because he mistakenly assumes there is a logical order when she randomly changes from one problem to another. Again, he does not realise that she finds relief through talking about problems, worries, disappointments and frustrations and that these topics need not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated.

Another reason a man mat resist listening is that he is looking for the bottom line. He cannot begin formulating his solution until he knows the outcome. Something a woman can do to make it a little easier for him is to let him know in advance the outcome of the story and then go back and give the details. Avoid keeping him in suspense.

More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and he does not have to solve any of them, it can help him to relax and listen.

To know how men cope with stress, check out the post here.

 

Extracted from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Don’t Judge Me By My Look!

My beauty is not limited to my looks or the way I walk. It is not my body or my hair that defines me. Do not judge me by my looks, my clothes or the way I wear my hair.

My intelligence is not limited to my degrees or my education level. Do not make assumptions about me by looking at my income, my house or my lifestyle

I cannot be defined by all these.

Judge me by the love and compassion I have in my heart.

Find the beauty in the way I smile when I hide my scars and overcome my pain and my passion to survive despite all the odds in my life.

Judge me by the way I treat people around me and the way I touch so many hearts with my unconditional love.

My life is not glorious but it is not awful or pathetic either.

I may not have a great influence on people I meet but I am unique in my own special ways, even with my flaws and imperfections.

And if this is not enough, you can define me by the footprints of love that I will leave behind in the hearts of people when I am dead and gone.

I am proud of what I am.

Chapter 3 (Part I): How Do Men Cope With Stress?

They go their caves!

When a man gets upset, he never talks about what is bothering him. He would never burden another man with his problem unless his friend’s assistance was necessary to solve the problem.

Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn. They will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. They feel better by solving problems.

At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive and preoccupied in his relationship. He is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves.

If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.

When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she does not know how stressed he is. She feels hurt when he turns on the news or goes outside to play some basketball and ignores her.

To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense.

It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a woman’s feelings to always be rational and logical.

Men generally do not realise how extremely and quickly they may shift from being warm and feeling to being unresponsive and distant.

When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain.

At such times, she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has the right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has the right to withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.

By remembering that men are from Mars, a woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. As a man recognises how withdrawing into his cave may affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. Remembering that women are from Venus helps him to be more understanding and respectful of her reactions and feelings.

To know how women cope with stress, check out the post here.

 

Extracted from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

“I don’t buy it”

Just came across this article that a friend had shared on Facebook. The name of the article actually caught my attention - The last word: He said he was leaving. She ignored him.

As I read through, what Laura faced was what I faced four months ago.

He said “I don’t have feelings for you anymore. I want to break off temporarily”

Similarly, the words came at me like a speeding fist. Though I neither rage at him nor threaten him, I was not able to react like she did. To recover and compose it myself and say “I don’t buy it.”

One must be really strong and determined to reach to that level, I guess.

However, let’s put it this way:

What if it’s a woman who said “I don’t love you anymore”, will a man duck or fight?

I wonder..

Chapter 2 (Part II): Women, Give Up Giving Advice!

The most common mistake women make in relationships:

A woman tries to change a man’s behaviour when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

Therefore, this leads to the most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them.

When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a home-improvement committee and he becomes her primary focus.

No matter how much he resists her help, she persists – waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she’s nurturing him while he feels he’s being controlled.

Instead, he wants her acceptance.

When a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him.

Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and hurt.

For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal. men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism.

Try challenging yourself to practise restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism.

The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.

 

Extracted from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Chapter 2 (Part I): Men, Learn to Listen!

The most common mistake men make in relationships:

A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.

Therefore, this leads to the most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen.

Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix-It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better.

However, she continues to be upset. His solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless. He is confused when she doesn’t appreciate this gesture of love.

She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.

He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive.

He does not know that talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.

You see, women never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way for honoring another woman is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other’s feelings.

Try challenging yourself to practise listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practise biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling.

You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.

 

Extracted from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Chapter One: Remembering the Differences

Love is magical and it can last if we remember our differences.

Through understanding the hidden differences of the opposite sex, we can more successfully give and receive the love that is in our hearts.

Then, by validating and accepting our differences, creative solutions can be discovered whereby we can succeed in getting what we want.

More importantly, we can learn how to best love and support the people we care about most.

 

Extracted from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

How Arguments Can Be Solved

This is the sequel from the previous post.

On the surface, a man may seem to be arguing about the issue but the real reason is he does not feel loved.

A basic argument pattern:

A woman expresses her upset feelings about ‘XYZ’

A man explains why she should not be upset about ‘XYZ’

She feels invalidated and becomes more upset. She is now more upset about being invalidated than about ‘XYZ’

He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an apology before making up.

She apologises and wonders what had happened, or she becomes more upset and the argument escalates into a battle.

A man should practise not to blame her for being upset. Instead, he should seek to understand how he had upset her and show her that he cares. Even if she was misunderstanding him, if she felt hurt by him, he needed to let her know that he cares and is sorry.

When she would become upset, the man learned first to listen, then to try to understand what she was upset about and then to say “I’m sorry that I upset you when I said –”

However, apologizing can be very difficult sometimes.

Men rarely say “I’m sorry” because for them, it means you have done something wrong and you are apologising.

On the other hand, women say “I’m sorry” as a way to say “I care about what you are feeling”. It does not mean they are apologizing for doing something wrong.

To avoid pain, it is important to recognise how men unknowingly invalidate and how women unknowingly send messages of disapproval.

Arguments and quarrels can be avoided if we can understand what our partner needs and remember to give it.

What Causes Arguments

I started reading Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and guess what? I went straight to read this particular chapter, How to Avoid Arguments. This is a recommended book for a couple to have a healthier communication and relationship and believe me or not, this is my very first time doing something like this. However, reading this book alone is not going to help. You ought to encourage your partner to do the same too.

Below are some of the excerpts I learnt from that chapter which I categorise as what actually cause arguments between two people who love each other deeply.

It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument – to nip it in the bud; you deal with a problem when it is still small before it can grow into something serious.

The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication.

Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving. His ability to communicate in a caring, respectful and reassuring tone decreases. He is not aware of how uncaring he sounds and how hurtful this is to his partner. He unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is not accepting the content of his point of view, when really what upsets her is his unloving delivery. When a man neglects to honour a woman’s hurt feelings, he invalidates them and increases her hurt.

Unlike a man, when a woman feels challenged, the tone of her speech automatically becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This kind of rejection is more hurtful to a man.

It is not what we say that hurts but how we say it and therefore, to avoid arguing, we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it.

Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman’s feelings or point of view. Men do not realise how much they invalidate.

Women unknowingly start arguments by not being direct when they share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks theoretical questions and unknowingly communicates a message of disapproval.

One critical pair of problems from which arguments arise is either the man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view or the woman disapproves of the way the man is talking to her.

Take responsibility for recognising when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time-out. Reflect on how you are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need. Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way. Time-outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to communicate again.

How to Communicate in a Relationship

The absence of talks is the main reason behind failing relationships. Nevertheless, this is not incurable and can be healed by effective communication. Communication is a bridge that connects two people and most of the times, it is the unspoken words that make a difference and not the ones that you managed to voice out. We are talking about the body language here, in particular, your body and your eyes will give our vibes to people around you and they manifest you actual feelings. Your body does the talking most of the times; you need not say things to your partner.

Unfortunately, our body may malfunctions and gives out vibes that we never intended to send. For instance, your body, when tired, may give our cold vibes to your partner; much against your personal wish. This justifies the need for a healthy and spoken dialogue. A bit of conscious effort and some effectual communication strategies and your relationship could be back on track.

There are a few tips on how to communicate effectively for maintaining healthy relationships.

Listen

Communication is not just talking. We all know that but, we conveniently choose to forget. In a relationship, you must not take any chance; listen to your partner and know what his or her sufferings are. Maybe it is all in the head and you can talk things out. But maybe, your attitude is the cause of issues which you will have a lot more things to sort out. If that is the case, the more reason for you listen as listening is definitely is a good start.

Appreciate

We get into relationships with wonderful people but, with the passage of time, we just forget how wonderful they are. Their niceness becomes mundane for us and consequently, appreciated becomes a rarity. That is another root cause of decay in relationships. The attitude of taking things for granted creeps into a relationship and kills it from within. To maintain the beauty of any relationship, do not be lazy. Know that the magic once created needs to be maintained and polished, time and again. To do this, all you need to do is to shower your beloved with appreciation. A simple word of praise and gratitude can wash away a million of misgivings.

Face It

Before things go out of control, take matters in your hand and talk to your partner. Do not just sit on your hands and do nothing. Yes, time heals but, it cannot possibly have the same effect all the time. It might just complicate life further for both of you. The last thing your relationship deserves is your neglected and ignored looks!

Interact

Talking it out is not enough. You must interact with your partner on a regular basis. However, you need to realise that talking should not come out as a duty. There should be a natural urge or drive to talk your heart out to your partner. Remember that there was a time when that person was our oxygen and blood; survival without talking to them was impossible. Interacting naturally is the best step to relive those moments and figure out what has changed.

Compromise

Get this fact straight – this is not a war and you are not foes. Compromising on some simple things would not make you weaker or less stronger by any chance. People who say that maintaining your individuality, despite being with someone else, miss out on one key fact of life – in a relationship, two is actually one. You do not grow along side each other in your separate worlds, rather you grow together. Compromise is not a sign of defeat – it is a sign of maturity and mental growth.

Seek Professional Help

Ego hurts and if you let it get into a relationship then it hurts even more. After you have tried almost every imaginable thing to make your relation work and still, the spark has not re-ignited, then you must not shy away from the idea of seeking professional help. And please, professional means professionals – do not get your family or friends involved which will bring more harm than good.

Never Give Up

Keep in mind that you are with a person you liked the most at one point in life. That person is still there under the new demeanor – it is only the situations that have changed. Do not make rash choices or decisions just because things have been rocky for sometime. Every relationship goes through the tough phase but, you need to keep your faith intact and try hardest to make that beautiful chemistry work all over again!

Source: iloveindia.com

How to Keep the Fire Burning in a Relationship

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then she comes with a baby carriage..” – a popular refrain, which does the rounds with friends when one of them falls in love.

Every married couple feels that the fire seems to fade away as they grow old together. They fear a loss of value in each other’s life, fear the fact that their own beauty and sex appeal is fading and before we know it, many marriages went out of control. All such situations occur because we do not take stock of the situation ahead and have delusion that the romance will continue forever.

Therefore, before it gets too late, take stock of the situation and know how to keep the fire burning in a relationship.

Do Something New Today Together

Keep trying new things together is definitely one hellish way to not let the fire die in a relationship. That is the main reason why relationships have a lot of passion when they have just kicked off because of the fact that it is new and you are still discovering each other. But slowly, as time passes and this newness starts fading, you might begin to feel that the passion that kept both of you going is also fading along with it.

Therefore, it is very important to keep trying new activities together and experimenting with life, with each other and with our own lives to keep the fire burning.

A relationship that is always exciting and holds the element of newness and mystery in it is more likely to keep its spark.

Get Rid of The Extinguisher

When the fire seems to fade away or runs into one of the dangerous territories, anything and everything that can decrease the passion.

For instance, phone calls during dinner, conversations only centered around a period of financial crisis, reading the paper and not paying attention while one partner talks, complaining and nagging on the part of one partner and silent sulking on the part of another – these are all the things that act fire extinguishers that will put out the fire, in other word, passion!

Prepare for such mood dampeners from the beginning so that either you do not let them come between you or they only end up bringing you closer. Being prepared beforehand about certain situations will help in narrowing the divide or prevent it from occurring.

Space, Not Distance

You will run the risk of widening the gap if you do not allow enough space between the two of you and consequently, creates distances that can never be exceeded. It would definitely serve you well to lead separate social lives even as both of you live and share lives together. Relationships are meant to bring two people together but it should not pose a threat to anyone’s personal space, individuality and individual space to grow in relationships.

Never enter into a relationship with the intention of feeling complete but with the intention of sharing your life with someone worthy of your love, respect and concern.

When spouses allow each other space to grow and feel complete within themselves, the relationship reaches a level of maturity and trust that is matched by very few. And ultimately, you will need nothing to keep you together.

Source: iloveindia.com

Stages of a Relationship

In every romantic relationship, no doubt a couple will have to go through a number of phases before being strong enough to get into marriage. Honeymoon phase will not go on forever so, face it – when two people spent a considerable time with each other, the reality dawns upon them and this is when they have to become practical and work together to sort things out. Either they remain together forever if they manage to make things work out or they break up.

Initial Stage: Romance

This stage is when two individuals have just come together. You love everything about your partner and he or she seems to be the perfect person in the world. The whole world revolves around him or her and that you hardly have time for anyone else be it your best friend, friends or family. At this point of time, your partner seems important. When the effects of this stage seem to wear off, you know you have shifted to the next stage.

Eye-opener Stage: Reality

As time passes by, you realise that your partner is not so perfect after all. The negative aspects of his or her personality eventually start surfacing slowly and gradually. Both individuals start behaving more like themselves. In this stage, you do not like to spend the entire time with your partner. In fact, you feel the need for space and freedom. You concentrate more on correcting the bad habits of your partner – constant nagging. This is the most crucial phase of a relationship which can either lead to a strong and mature relationship or a break up.

Stability Stage: Maturity

In this stage, both the partners understand that their partner is a normal individual. A person with positive as well as negative aspects. The idea of perfection slowly dissolve and acceptance starts gaining around. Both the partners start thinking practically and learn that adjustment is the key to a successful relationship. Nevertheless, the transition is not so easy and the slightest slip can make them go back to the second stage.

Commitment Stage: Totally Practical

If the maturity stage is able to be maintained for a considerable time without slipping to the previous stage, commitment is the most obvious result. By this time, they have totally accepted each other, without any efforts at bringing about any change in each other. You realise that partners complement each other and not complete each other. Minor tiffs are common. In fact, they are necessary for keeping the spice in the relationship alive. However, the ‘we break off’, ‘you don’t care for me’, etc. phrases do not form a part of the relationship. This is the time when you love your partner for who he or she actually is and not for what you think he or she is.

Marriage Stage: Romance once again..

All successful relationships end in marriage. The partners have gone through all the ups and downs and no longer live in the world of fairytale romance. They know that life is not picture-perfect and they find love in each other’s company. Marriage brings about the honeymoon phase; when all the romance of the first stage comes back once again – the only difference is that this time the partners are mature. Though there might be slight problems because of the added responsibilities and living together, none of this will be too big to handle. It is the time to enjoy the results of the efforts that both of you have taken to bring the relationship to this stage.

Nevertheless, every married couple feels that, after the initial whirlwind years of carefree romance, the fire seems to fade away as they grow old together. Both of them fear a loss of value in each other’s life, fear the fact that their own beauty and sex appeal is fading and before we know it, many marriages spiral out of control and the spouses are waiting for each of them to make the first move out of the door, never to come back again.

In my next post, I will share some tips to keep the spark alive in your relationship.

Source: iloveindia.com

Relationships Are Meant to Heal Wounds of Human Mind

This is a beautiful article.

It greatly reminds me of him who loves me and ready to help and heal me, gives me all the support and understanding I need. In contrast, I was not willing to receive it because I was not ready to reveal my wounds and shortcomings.

When people get into a relationship with someone they truly care and love, the darkness will come up. We feel guilty at times after we revealed our wounds to our loved ones and therefore, not able to face them anymore.

It does take a lot of effort and courage to reveal our wounds to our loved ones. It is a risky bet to start with.

And I took the risk.

And I am glad that I did.

He smiles and looks the same way at me even after facing my dark sides. That is when I know I found a safe place where I can truly be myself and feel loved even after I showed my wounds.

Thank you.

Relationship Resolutions

I was watching this short clip on how each couple, be it husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend, could work on their relationship even though they have been together for years: making relationship resolutions. I have many friends who were already married as well as getting married. Therefore, I would love to dedicate this post to them, hoping they will have a happy and healthy relationship with their partners.

Making a resolution with your partner helps the relationship. Couples need intimacy to keep their relationship going. However, they need to make time for it but, there are so many threats to our time for example, technology. At the end of the day, when going to bed, they would say they are too tired to be intimate.

This is a big no-no.

Having a great sex life is not just about being in the bedroom as well as what happens out of the room. It is about looking at your overall relationship and making an overall resolution to be more intimate, to have more positive communication and to really improve and rejuvenate  your relationship.

There are a few keys to have a great relationship.

1. Positive interactions towards each other

The main difference between couples who succeed and couples who failed is that couples who succeed express more positive interactions per day towards each other. ‘Did you wash the dishes?’ ‘Did you pay the bills?’ Those are negative interactions. Every negative interaction you have with your partner needs five positive interactions to counteract. Now that is a hell lot of it.

Make more positive interactions with each other as a resolution. It does not have to be a one-year resolution. A week or two of it would eventually turns this into our daily lives’ habits. Having more positive interactions towards each other as part of our lives would then help our relationships thrive.

2. Choreplay

Women are working on two jobs; going to work and then coming home taking care of the household, taking care of the kids. The main thing they need to enjoy their relationship with their partners and to feel better about their partners is their partners giving a hand to them at home.

A lot of men would always wonder why they are not having as much sex as they like to be. One advice, go from foreplay to choreplay. Get into that kitchen and starts washing those dishes which will create more time for each other.

Balancing out the chores will eventually lessen the stress and then equals to more sex.

3. Turn off electronics

We are all addicted to technology especially couples. They are spending more time Facebook-ing with friends from the second grade than Facetime-ing with their partners. That’s the reason why at the end of the day, they have no time for each other. Take one third of the time you spent on emails, the time you spent on Facebook, the time you spent on texts, the time you spent on your favourite sites and different blogs, to spend it with your partners.

Technology really plays into the center of our brains and we instantly get used to it. If your Blackberry or iPhone beeps, you are giving that more attention than you give to the persons who you took the vow to share your life with.

Turn off electronics, turn off cell phones, turn off TV, get off Facebook and get intimate with your partner.

It is advised that all couples are to aim for at least once a week intimacy regardless intercourse or sexual intimacy. The minimum of once a week is enough time and keeps you connected and keeps you interested in sex and keeps your relationship rejuvenated. From the health perspective regardless male sexual health or female sexual health, studies show that couples that have sex more regularly are more healthy. They have healthier life, they do better at work, they have stronger immunity system and what not.

All reasons to make a resolution with your partner makes this year a sexy relationship. Therefore, I wish all my friends out there who were already married or getting married would give this a try to have a happier and healthier relationship.

Source: ABC News

If you are interested to watch the clip, click here. However, it is the same thing as what I had posted here. I literally re-watched it over and over again to get the messages right.

Man Rules

We have always heard ‘the rules’ from women. Of course, we should not leave the men out. They have their own rules too and trust me, they are all so, so true. And they are all numbered ‘1’ on purpose!

1. Men are not mind readers which most of the women hope to find in their men but, impossible.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You are a big girl. If it is up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You do not hear us complaining about you leaving it down. I guess this is not a big thing in our culture since we have yet to accept a couple staying together before marriage. We still have a generation that is still conservative.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. I guess this only happens where there is a football fever going on for example, English Premier League, Champion League or World Cup.

1. Crying is a form of blackmailing.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints lagi do not work! Just say it! And women would think their men do not understand them and are not caring or do not love them enough.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. And women would prefer to hear more from their men.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. Women tend to tell their problems to their men but never hoped to accept whatever the men will say to them. They just want their men to listen. Sadly, men do not work this way.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days whereas women tend to bring up the past into an argument each time.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways make you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying but, it is just not worth the hassle. This is one of the problems that most couples are facing.

1. If you asked a question you do not want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, really.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking unless you are prepared to discuss topics as football, video games or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

Ain’t most of them very true? It is really interesting to learn the differences between men and women. As I had mentioned before...

男人是个奇怪的动物，但 女人是个很麻烦的宠物

Healthy Diet

Desire to slim down but keeping three good meals a day? Search no more as here are the tips I received from a slimming centre.

 

DETOXIFICATION PHASE (Cleansing Time): 4am – 12pm

BREAKFAST

Breakfast is to be taken within half an hour from the moment you wake up to stabilise sugar level and reduce you sugar cravings. If it is taken more than 2 hours after waking up, your metabolic rate will drop at least 5%.

What are the suggested meals?

You could either have yoghurt, kiwi and a red apple or two pieces of whole meal bread with peanut butter or eggs and a glass of plain Milo.

 

DISGESTION PHASE (Time to Eat): 12pm – 8pm

LUNCH

Note that the interval between meals must be 5 hours but, not more than 6 hours. If meal interval is more than 6 hours, snack should be taken in between which I will explain below as well. See? We are not asking you to ikat perut.

What are the suggested meals?

You should have a half bowl of rice, a bowl of vegetables, tauhu or eggs and chicken or fish. You could have them steamed, boiled, stir-fried, grilled or baked. Still awesome, right?

 

DINNER

Dinner is best taken in between 5.30pm to 6.30pm where your digestion is still good. No carbohydrate should be taken after 7pm though.

What are the suggested meals?

Here, instead of half bowl of rice, you are advised to have a quarter bowl of rice, a bowl of vegetables, tauhu or eggs and chicken or fish. Similarly to lunch, you could have them steamed, boiled, stir-fried, grilled or baked.

 

SNACKS

Snacks can be taken 3 hours after main meal if the next main meal is more than 6 hours.

What are the suggested meals?

An apple or two digestive biscuits with a glass of plain Milo or yoghurt.

 

ABSORPTION PHASE (Resting Time): 8pm – 4am

No solid food should be taken after 8pm; only liquid food such as Milo, milk, etc. can be taken if you are hungry. And I believe it is common to everyone that no more drinking after 10pm as the body will store the water which resulting in bloating, edema, puffy eyes and face or eye bags the next morning.

 

I, myself, is trying to follow this but we shall see. I love food too much that I could not resist taking them.

Love

Love,

There are many different types of love around us.

Eternal love from our family; no matter what shitty situation you put yourself into, they will never, ever leave you and let you deal the shit all alone. They may not be supporting you upfront. You never knew what they did behind you.

Friendship love from our dear friends; they are the people who probably know us well enough in regards to what we are doing outside from home. They are one of the sources of our own development, the main influence in our daily lives as we spend most of our time with them. They have always got our back. However, be careful with whom you are mixing around with. You should be picky with friends.

Romantic love with your special one; this person probably is someone who knows and understands you emotionally. They will always stand by you and be there for you whenever you are in need of them. This is the person whom you know that’s where you want to be.

With all so many love around us, there is one ultimate love, and that is self-love.

Without it, you will feel unloved no matter how many people around you, telling you they love you, they care about you.

Without it, you are soulless and you are not energy-driven to live.

Without it, you will be colour blind and then, finding your life to be meaningless.

Without it, you will choose death.

Therefore, people, please love yourselves and then, only you will find the love around you. Failure is not the end of your life. At least you got to sit back and think what went wrong and what you should do instead to amend it. However, once you chose death over trials, you will never, ever get the chance to do anything anymore.

Life is a game but do not end the game by taking your own life.

Working Life is just like a Pencil

Working life is just like a pencil.

If a newly manufactured pencil is remained in a box on a shelf, not sold, it will either always being remained like that shape for the rest of its life or rot to its death. If we always keep our attributes or personal skills hidden from the world outside, we will always sit at the corner, wondering why our lives are so pathetic. The one with fickle mind will always stay at the starting point and never makes the first move.

In order to make the pencil, itself useful, it has to make a decision and change itself. This is when a sharpener plays a part. The pencil has to be sharpened to show its usefulness. Similar to us, we have to make a decision. What we are today is the decision made by us, three years ago. What decision we make today is what we are in the future. When we make changes, we are saving ourselves.

However, the pencil is now depends on its user as to whether it will write a nice handwriting. Just like us, if we have the right employer to hone up and train our skills, we are on the right track. Make a right choice and focus on it.

Otherwise, eraser is needed to erase those errors or bad handwriting and to re-write again. This is why pencil is being used (and not pen) as we are able to erase our mistakes by learning from them. The only person who never makes mistakes is the person who never does anything.

Pictures credits to Discovery Education

These are what I had learnt today from a talk that I attended with my mom. The sentences in bold and italianised are the summary that I find fit.

Now I really need to sit down and think and make the right decision.

Note: The speaker spoke in Mandarin so I was just translating what I understood into English.